It’s early morning, and the sun has not risen yet. The darkness outside makes time feel strange, since I’m not used to waking up before dawn. I get out of bed, but I’m already contemplating whether or not I should go to class. I haven’t technically signed up yet, so I know I can still back out if I need to. I intentionally left it that way. A voice in my head starts listing reasons why this isn’t a good idea.
I have never taken a warm class or a power flow class before. I went for a walk yesterday and I got winded. I’ve been dealing with pain in my foot. My hormones are being weird.
This voice continues as I wash my face, brush my teeth, check the clock, and pack my bag. My body keeps moving through the steps as another voice chimes in with the first.
You have the strength from aerials. You can modify the moves if you need to. If you’re tired, just take a break. Nobody is going to judge you.
I reason with myself that I am already awake and ready, and the class description says that newer practitioners are welcome. I log into Mindbody and sign myself up, then I grab my keys and I’m ready to go.
As I walk outside, I can hear an owl. It sounds like it’s saying, “Don’t go, don’t go.” I think of this as I start my car, and I pause for a moment, wondering if it’s a sign and I should go back inside. I remember that I already signed myself up for class, so I shrug my shoulders and back out of the carport. My driveway is long and gravel, and I typically drive a bit faster than I should as I travel up and down it. Always rushing from one thing to the next, kicking dust behind me as I go. But this morning I am driving slowly, keeping a close eye out for any critters that may be moving around in this liminal space before the light of morning. I am already beginning my day intentionally and more in line with who I want to be. This thought makes me happy.
The trip to the studio is smooth and takes less time than it normally would since it’s so early in the day. I park my car and have enough time to speak with the instructor, Ruth, before class. I introduce myself and let her know that I’m the new marketing coordinator at AYC. Ruth is so nice and welcoming, and as we speak, I can feel any remaining fear within me dissipate. I tell her that I’m going to take it easy today, to cover myself should I need to stop and take a break or modify heavily. Ruth doesn’t bat an eye and smiles as she encourages me to take it as easy as I’d like. I unroll my mat and begin to stretch lightly, enjoying the pleasant warmth of the room and how welcoming the space feels.
Class begins with gentleness, then picks up into a flow. I’m following along better than I thought I would, and I’m surprised at how quickly I’m able to find the moves I haven’t practiced in a while. Ruth readily offers modifications and suggestions, keeping a pulse on the group’s needs as we move quickly from one move to the next. Midway through, I’m sweating, but I feel the endorphins from the exercise, and my body seems more limber from the heat. I breathe with the motions as we continue through the flow. I feel grateful for my strength, and proud of myself for being here despite the doubt of the morning. I’m mostly not thinking of anything, though, aside from the position that I’m currently in. I’m learning that I love this about yoga; how it can force you to be in the present, a place I don’t find myself in as often as I’d like. Eventually the music shifts and it’s time to cool down, and I’m neither relieved nor disappointed; I’m simply accepting of the present moment and my place in it.
As we find our way to stillness, Ruth speaks of her personal intention for the month, aparigraha, which means “letting go” in Sanskrit. She explains that letting go also means releasing the expectations we carry. The group is encouraged to contemplate something to hold a bit more lightly over the next couple of weeks, and I think about the high expectations I have for myself and how heavy that can feel at times. I consider how I expected myself to be able to perform all the moves in this class despite the fact that it’s new for me, and how that gave me fear and doubt that almost stopped me from coming at all.
As we lie in shavasana, we’re asked to visualize a tree at the peak of autumn, and the image easily comes to my mind. Ruth points out how the tree is not concerned about which leaves will fall, or whether or not growth will come again next spring. The tree simply accepts where it’s at in the season, and lets go.
Class ends and I’m lighter but my legs are a little wobbly, and I can definitely tell I just got a great workout. I go to the restroom and my hair is a frizzy mess but I look happy, alive, and at peace. Excitement surges for my accomplishment and I text my husband to say “I did it!” He replies that he is proud of me and I can feel that pride swell within me. I think of aparigraha and of the insecurities I had to let go of in order to make it to class today. I reflect on the trust it took for me to accept where I’m at and to try anyway.
In the grand scheme of things, making it to one class may not be a huge deal, but it’s a step in the right direction. It is surprising how one class can give you so much perspective. As I continue exploring yoga, I look forward to the words and movements that help bring me greater clarity, and to the connections and feelings that bring me closer to the life I want to be living.
May the same be true for you and your practice. Namaste.
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